Fake Naija Love 1.0

Some days back a Twitter trending topic took the world by storm. Although it was related to men from my motherland, lads and babes from all over the globe still put in their tuppence.

How influential we Nigerians are…

Everyone knows about us, and many have loved a Nigerian at some time in their life.

The topic, #WhatNigerianMenDidToMe, has allowed a lot of people share both hilarious and worrying stories about their experiences with Naija guys.

Many of these tales are love stories with sad endings.

Worst part of it – most of them do NOT surprise me. The others had me in stitches.

“@ChiMo___: #WhatNigerianMenDidToMe expected me to be her … “

7 6 52

This hashtag and tweets on Naija Twitter made me ponder the pros and cons (and the hurdles faced) of a relationship with Nigerians.

Since I moved to the EU upteen years ago, I’ve constantly found myself in the weirdest relationships. A couple of my Exes stated that I brought out the worst in women, seeing as they “behaved normally” (sic) in relationships with other guys (from other nations).

Most of my Exes hate me (and were quite often cray cray), so that feedback is obviously totally unreliable, right?



For example – I’ve dated a suicidal girl (I still worry about that one), a lesbian (I got engaged to that one), a sociopath (who turned out to be married, and got her husband to try to kill me), a single mum (who proposed me pali in exchange for a mixed-race baby), a stalker (6 months post-breakup) etc.

2014 was a really weird year.

The number one question  has always been WHY? Why date females with behavioural traits that automatically cancel out the possibility of happiness? Q2 – Am I too Nigerian/African to build a happy loving relationship with a European?


I found out today, on Nat Geo, that there’s a variant of a human gene named DRD4-7R – the adventure gene: “…is carried by roughly 20 percent of all humans, and is tied to curiosity and restlessness. Dozens of human studies have found that 7R makes people more likely to take risks; explore new places, ideas, foods, relationships, drugs, or sexual opportunities; and generally embrace movement, change, and adventure.”

Taking into consideration my bizarre love life (w/o looking at my TL or Wall), it’s obvious my 20’s were spent nurturing this gene.

Then I turned 30 and realised how totally empty my life is.

I travelled to Paris for my birthday and, while sitting and drinking alone under the Eiffel Tower, I made a promise to grow up, settle down, and fulfil my amazing destiny by 2015…but I wasn’t expecting all the personal and emotional disaster 2014 would bring. Somehow sha, one survived.

Towards the end of last year, I began following more Nigerians on Twitter and it became obvious why it most probably wouldn’t have worked out with the few Nigerian girls I’ve dated over the last few years.

Imagine that – relationships with Oyinbo gehls were cray cray, relationships with Naija babes were woh-woh.

You see, I met them on Twitter and…


Random Encounters

A simple beginning

Like all Slavic stories

It started with Vodka

Just one Shot, really


All black everything

But her Soul and her Skin

Her hair smelled of Menthols

Her dress, of Sin


All Winter and a little bit of Spring

with Ropes and Hope

we played Games of Shades

off and on like a faulty Phone


One day, she said to me

I hate you and I love you

equally. Goodbye

I will no longer be your fool.


All a Lesbian needs is a Man

Many years ago, I fell in love with a bisexual girl.


If you were to listen to today’s young women with desires/experiences of girl-on-girl physical contact, you would be forgiven for thinking “what’s the big deal, every girl is a bit bisexual…”.

I beg to differ. IMHO society’s “equality in sexuality” has made it easier for females to experiment without reprisal. Finally more and more communities have stopped seeing homosexuality as evil, an illness, a crime. Not all societies though, not yet.

The sole issue which still vexes me is that the average female, who shares juicy details of how she kissed/fondled her female bestie, would most likely react negatively were she to discover that her male partner has also had homosexual adventures in his past. Correct me if I’m wrong.


Why is female homosexuality so widely accepted and portrayed as pleasant, desirable and erotic…while male homosexuality is frowned upon and labelled derogatorily? By both genders. After all, gay is gay is gay.


Years ago I fell in love with a girl who turned out to be a TRUE bisexual. I loved her so much, I bought a ring, went down on a knee and asked her to marry me. I remember it all as if it were yesterday. I was so nervous I had my mutant butterflies running riot inside me…nervous enough to ask myself what I would do if she said NO, in front of all these people…nervous and naive enough to believe in a happy ending.

Back then when she told me she was Bi, I remember telling myself – just like many before me and since then – that all she needs is some good ol’ Giacomo Casanova master-level romance and erotic role play with my big heart, my well-developed brain, and my impressive cock in the lead roles. With all that in abundance, why would she still want a woman…#ChallengeAccepted.


You have to admit this train of thought comes quite easy with bisexuals, in comparison with “full blown lesbian”. Bisexuals at least get to eat the ice cream AND the wafer, simultaneously or one after the other – so they know how sweet the banana is, right? However, pray tell Loyal Reader, why do so many believe a lesbian can easily be seduced to the good side of the Force by a good pounding with a black mamba (or one of those yellow pythons if you’re into Caucasians or Orientals)?

Seeing as women so often have gay guys as friends, do you ladies often tell yourselves that all they (gay men) need is great sex with you? Do you tell yourselves your warm embrace and tender touches are a better deal than another man’s stubble? Do you often dream of upgrading your gay buddies to lover&friend status?

Of course I failed at making my Ex-Fiancée forget all about the pleasures of being with a woman. Most probably I’m not/wasn’t good enough in bed or the ideal boyfriend/Fiancé material…or both.

Win some, lose some.




I have just finished my final assignment (4/4), and in a moment I will begin finalizing lesson plan for tomorrow’s lesson (8/8). Afterwards I’m going dancing and drinking. CELTA has been an adventure – you won’t believe how much studying has been done these last 4 weeks. Definitely more than most exam sessions while studying Psychology at UW.



I took some time off from the books last weekend and went to a museum with the Ukrainian Porcelain and her childhood friend (probably her husband in secret, the best ones are always taken). We went to the Czatoryjski Museum to see an exhibition (Ancient Egypt, Greece, Cyprus).

Picture all the devices we buy nowadays, the designer clothes…how durable are they? How long before we need to buy another one? There were 2,500 year-old artifacts in this exhibition which still looked as good as new.



Of course the Mummies would need a lot more than Photoshop to look sexy again…


On Sunday Lena, her (B)F and I went to a sports center. A few hours of squash, silownia and sauna to keep the blood flowing. Turns out squash is not as easy as it looks on TV (I strained a muscle in my hand…or was it a ligament? It sha hurts…).

K and O came over this weekend and there was another house party at Drukarska. Naturellement, there was a beer pong tournament, singing and dancing. Well a couple of us danced while the others drank – this is Poland after all. The best part of the evening was when the ladies kept using their cleavage to distract guys…


Krakowian girls are prettier…and I still don’t understand how M can be single: warm, friendly, pretty, HOT bod, has her own car and loves baking. What more do KRK boys need!?

P.S. There’s this lady who keeps giving me the eye. She was at the school today looking totes edible in apple-bottomed jeans. I asked her to come to the Pub Quiz thingie on Thursday…and she said “I’m attending a concert on Thursday, but I’ll try to come by afterwards…with my husband”. -_-